Earth says:
Hey!
God is offline.
Anecdote #99
Lonely Mayfly (female, 1 day old)
seeks blue bottle of similar age
to share final moments with.
(Large proboscis preferable.)
seeks blue bottle of similar age
to share final moments with.
(Large proboscis preferable.)
Anecdote #98
Ol' Ed Tull never said a bad word about nobody!
But Charlie (a cowboy) didn't like a kiss ass,
so he blew Ed's head clean off his shoulders.
But Charlie (a cowboy) didn't like a kiss ass,
so he blew Ed's head clean off his shoulders.
Anecdote #96
John begged Dan for forgiveness.
"Not on your nelly!" he yelled,
and then ate out John's arsehole with a firey passion
like they'd previously agreed.
"Not on your nelly!" he yelled,
and then ate out John's arsehole with a firey passion
like they'd previously agreed.
Anecdote #97
Kurt ordered a takeaway,
just before topping himself,
so some poor sap would find him.
The delivery guy (Paul) didn't seem to give a shit.
just before topping himself,
so some poor sap would find him.
The delivery guy (Paul) didn't seem to give a shit.
Anecdote #95
Trev got his kicks down ten-foot wi' Shirley,
whilst I got a croggy down t'shop,
to pick up a pack o' tabs for me Mam.
True story!
whilst I got a croggy down t'shop,
to pick up a pack o' tabs for me Mam.
True story!
Anecdote #93
A tree (Oak) named Lee tried to blag his way into a party,
but got rejected 'cause he was "far too old".
Lee was pissed, but did concur.
but got rejected 'cause he was "far too old".
Lee was pissed, but did concur.
Anecdote #94
Jake laid there in bed.
He cried, and cried, and cried, thinking "Why me?"
Then he rolled over and started shagging his fit bird.
He cried, and cried, and cried, thinking "Why me?"
Then he rolled over and started shagging his fit bird.
Anecdote #92
11.59pm, December 31st 1999: Bill Gates drops his kegs, "Just incase."
Ten minutes later he's doing a keg stand and high-fiving the waiter.
Ten minutes later he's doing a keg stand and high-fiving the waiter.
Anecdote #91
The lads held a seance,
to try and contact Dead Mike.
When he finally showed up,
it scared the shit out of everyone.
"Never again," said Rob.
to try and contact Dead Mike.
When he finally showed up,
it scared the shit out of everyone.
"Never again," said Rob.
Anecdote #90
When Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane,
just prowlin' around,
I bet he had no idea,
what kinda shit was about to go down.
just prowlin' around,
I bet he had no idea,
what kinda shit was about to go down.
Anecdote #89
Approximately 4176 hours (15,033,600 seconds) later,
George finally gave up on his life-long dream.
And set to work building a time machine instead
George finally gave up on his life-long dream.
And set to work building a time machine instead
Anecdote #88
Ted couldn't wait,
for each new episode of 'Lost'!
Until his wife was murdered,
and he had to re-evaluate his priorities.
for each new episode of 'Lost'!
Until his wife was murdered,
and he had to re-evaluate his priorities.
Anecdote #87
Cancer...
"The Big C!"
New York...
"The Big Apple!"
Peter Goundrill...
"The Big Cunt."
(Helpful note: this one can be altered to mention anyone you "don't like")
"The Big C!"
New York...
"The Big Apple!"
Peter Goundrill...
"The Big Cunt."
(Helpful note: this one can be altered to mention anyone you "don't like")
Anecdote #85
Ed gets rejected,
by a girl in the club.
Ed feels shit.
Next morning,
she serves him in mcdonalds.
Ed feels pretty great.
by a girl in the club.
Ed feels shit.
Next morning,
she serves him in mcdonalds.
Ed feels pretty great.
Anecdote #84
Jed used to be a real gentlemen,
taking girls out for meals,
treating them like Queens.
But lately,
he's been getting his cock out,
more than his wallet.
taking girls out for meals,
treating them like Queens.
But lately,
he's been getting his cock out,
more than his wallet.
Anecdote #83
The employee turned to his boss,
"I don't give a shit about you," he said
"or my career, or anything else."
And then took a sip of his tea.
The boss stared at him for some time,
and smiled - almost imperceptibly.
"Finally," he said,
"someone with real gaul."
"I don't give a shit about you," he said
"or my career, or anything else."
And then took a sip of his tea.
The boss stared at him for some time,
and smiled - almost imperceptibly.
"Finally," he said,
"someone with real gaul."
Anecdote #81
The time traveller arrived.
"I'm from the future!" he yelled,
as he was destroyed by the big bang.
"I'm from the future!" he yelled,
as he was destroyed by the big bang.
Anecdote #80
The scientist hid behind the curtain,
still unsure of his experiments success.
His daughter; scared yet eager,
pulled back the curtain - nothing!
The scientist chuckled,
and his poor daughter shat herself.
still unsure of his experiments success.
His daughter; scared yet eager,
pulled back the curtain - nothing!
The scientist chuckled,
and his poor daughter shat herself.
Anecdote #79
'dead' bob refused to acquiesce
to 'one-bullet' ralph's demands.
so 'one-bullet' ralph shot 'dead' bob dead, with one bullet.
that's how he earned his nickname.
('dead' bob had been given his nickname in 1973,
when everyone thought he was dead for a while.)
to 'one-bullet' ralph's demands.
so 'one-bullet' ralph shot 'dead' bob dead, with one bullet.
that's how he earned his nickname.
('dead' bob had been given his nickname in 1973,
when everyone thought he was dead for a while.)
Anecdote #77
Smoking might kill me.
Drinking might kill me.
However, if i didn't do these things i'd kill myself.
...ironic.
Drinking might kill me.
However, if i didn't do these things i'd kill myself.
...ironic.
Anecdote #76
The unemployed man,
shot himself in the head,
couldn't sign on,
and lost his benefits for that week.
shot himself in the head,
couldn't sign on,
and lost his benefits for that week.
Anecdote #73
Today, the dentist mixed up ed's appointment.
So he leaped through the ground floor window,
into the sunny street.
So he leaped through the ground floor window,
into the sunny street.
Anecdote #72
"Promise you'll cremate me?" Grandma pleaded,
just days before I burnt down the hospice.
just days before I burnt down the hospice.
Anecdote #71
Anth sat within a few feet of Florence Welch,
and so couldn't resist the urge,
to whip out his dick.
and so couldn't resist the urge,
to whip out his dick.
Anecdote #69
Terrified, william hopped on google.
"Eating asbestos."
He cross-referenced it with "black faeces,"
and "violent sickness."
The results were predictably grim.
"Eating asbestos."
He cross-referenced it with "black faeces,"
and "violent sickness."
The results were predictably grim.
Anecdote #68
"This is a side of you i've never seen," trevor gasped,
as he took his best mate dave roughly from behind.
as he took his best mate dave roughly from behind.
Anecdote #67
Peter awoke.
His new ladyfriend was nowhere to be seen.
So, seizing opportunity,
He shuffled through her iPod touch.
This confirmed his darkest, elitist suspicions.
His new ladyfriend was nowhere to be seen.
So, seizing opportunity,
He shuffled through her iPod touch.
This confirmed his darkest, elitist suspicions.
Anecdote #66
They made love by candlelight,
and they were as one.
Then came the nagging, nagging, NAGGING.
and they were as one.
Then came the nagging, nagging, NAGGING.
Anecdote #65
The profound speech began.
"At the DNA level, we are all 99.9% the same."
Of course, as everyone knows, DNA is wholly irellevent.
"At the DNA level, we are all 99.9% the same."
Of course, as everyone knows, DNA is wholly irellevent.
Anecdote #63
Sarah wasn't made of money.
And even if she was,
She wouldn't rip, say, her titty off,
just for train tickets.
And even if she was,
She wouldn't rip, say, her titty off,
just for train tickets.
Anecdote #62
Gill was a man of many words,
but he was running out of steam.
And was FORCED to consult a dictionary.
but he was running out of steam.
And was FORCED to consult a dictionary.
Anecdote #61
Gemma examined craig's genitals,
for signs of the big C.
Found none,
and so went down on him with gusto.
for signs of the big C.
Found none,
and so went down on him with gusto.
Anecdote #59
Tom dipped his dick into oil of olay,
every day.
"To keep it fresh."
Then went and ruined it all,
by sleeping with an AIDS whore.
every day.
"To keep it fresh."
Then went and ruined it all,
by sleeping with an AIDS whore.
Anecdote #58
As Ron flew through the windshield,
he thought back to Dec '07,
when he stopped wearing seatbelts.
he thought back to Dec '07,
when he stopped wearing seatbelts.
Anecdote #57
No one ever picked Brett in PE.
Then one day, he sat on the bench,
desperately holding in shit.
"Please don't pick me," he thought.
Then one day, he sat on the bench,
desperately holding in shit.
"Please don't pick me," he thought.
Anecdote #56
Grandpa shit his pants,
then looked at an old picture of himself.
"I still got it," he muttered.
then looked at an old picture of himself.
"I still got it," he muttered.
Anecdote #55
The girl freaked out.
A guy she met, whilst travelling,
was now on her doorstep.
Asking to see her butt.
A guy she met, whilst travelling,
was now on her doorstep.
Asking to see her butt.
Anecdote #54
"another day at the office," thought mark.
Then a man in a chicken costume ran in.
This should be interesting!
Then a man in a chicken costume ran in.
This should be interesting!
Anecdote #53
I sat there,
unable to accept what i'd be told.
Me? A robot? Never.
Although a part of me always knew.
unable to accept what i'd be told.
Me? A robot? Never.
Although a part of me always knew.
Anecdote #52
He approached me
from the other side of the party
his opening line was
"I've spoken to jonathan ross on twitter."
"That's not really much of a claim to fame," I said.
"I never said it was," he replied.
Sure, he had problems, but I really need to stop being so rude.
from the other side of the party
his opening line was
"I've spoken to jonathan ross on twitter."
"That's not really much of a claim to fame," I said.
"I never said it was," he replied.
Sure, he had problems, but I really need to stop being so rude.
Anecdote #51
David kicked the ball with all of his energy,
it hit the back of the net!
His father, Carl, jumped up in the stands.
"Get in, son!" he yelled.
But David wasn't going to "get in" anywhere;
It was an own goal.
So Carl sat back down.
it hit the back of the net!
His father, Carl, jumped up in the stands.
"Get in, son!" he yelled.
But David wasn't going to "get in" anywhere;
It was an own goal.
So Carl sat back down.
Anecdote #50
Charles sat and drank his cup o' tea.
It reminded him of the time he spent in France;
where he'd just sit around and drink cups o' tea all day.
It reminded him of the time he spent in France;
where he'd just sit around and drink cups o' tea all day.
Anecdote #48
Like a thief in the night, babe
you took everything I had,
and now I'm begging you, please,
please, please, please.
Give me back my laptop & dvd's.
you took everything I had,
and now I'm begging you, please,
please, please, please.
Give me back my laptop & dvd's.
Anecdote #47
The wind rattled the roof tiles,
the rain slammed against the windows,
lightning illuminated the darkened rooms.
I watched from the curb,
wishing I wasn't a tramp.
the rain slammed against the windows,
lightning illuminated the darkened rooms.
I watched from the curb,
wishing I wasn't a tramp.
Anecdote #45
I scurried up the side of the building,
Dale said "you're being watched!"
but it was too late.
I'd already been identified.
somewhere in the night, police sirens wailed.
Dale said "you're being watched!"
but it was too late.
I'd already been identified.
somewhere in the night, police sirens wailed.
Anecdote #44
Ken sat there on the couch,
contemplating suicide.
"Why do i bother?" he thought.
Then 'mock the week' came on.
And Ken started laughing.
contemplating suicide.
"Why do i bother?" he thought.
Then 'mock the week' came on.
And Ken started laughing.
Anecdote #42
Peter Jones stared at me; he wasn't interested.
Great, I thought. That was the last dragon in the den.
Well... Deborah Meadon was left.
But I didn't want financial help from a chick.
"I'm out!" I said
Great, I thought. That was the last dragon in the den.
Well... Deborah Meadon was left.
But I didn't want financial help from a chick.
"I'm out!" I said
Anecdote #41
The party was going great,
everyone was having a really good time.
I stood up. "Would anyone like a cup of caffee?"
Oh shit.
I'd mis-pronounced "coffee".
Everyone left.
everyone was having a really good time.
I stood up. "Would anyone like a cup of caffee?"
Oh shit.
I'd mis-pronounced "coffee".
Everyone left.
Anecdote #40
Paul rubbed his forehead.
"Hey, Jack, have you seen my Call of Duty 4 disc anywhere?"
Jack looked around. "No," he said.
(It was in the X-box drive all along.)
"Hey, Jack, have you seen my Call of Duty 4 disc anywhere?"
Jack looked around. "No," he said.
(It was in the X-box drive all along.)
Anecdote #39
Bill sat there.
The leccy had ran out. No lights.
"I wish I could update my facebook status," he thought.
The leccy had ran out. No lights.
"I wish I could update my facebook status," he thought.
Anecdote #37
Chris tried to learn guitar,
but he didn't get very far.
He tried to write poetry but couldn't do that either.
but he didn't get very far.
He tried to write poetry but couldn't do that either.
Anecdote #36
Edward J. Blythe sat in the back room, mute. waiting. (He's on the Jeremy Kyle show)
He knew this was a bad idea.
sweat... poured down his face.
Finally, he was invited on stage. BOO! HISS! The audience hated him already.
"Let the games begin!" he thought.
He knew this was a bad idea.
sweat... poured down his face.
Finally, he was invited on stage. BOO! HISS! The audience hated him already.
"Let the games begin!" he thought.
Anecdote #35
Thomas stepped away from Lizzie.
Now he was sure that it was over; the signs were clear.
She'd even gone so far as to tell him not to call her again.
So Thomas went home and ate a pot noodle.
Now he was sure that it was over; the signs were clear.
She'd even gone so far as to tell him not to call her again.
So Thomas went home and ate a pot noodle.
Anecdote #34
Ah, Hull!
My city; the city of dreams!
From the cobbled backstreets of old town,
To the high glass ceilings of st. stephens.
I don't want to die here.
My city; the city of dreams!
From the cobbled backstreets of old town,
To the high glass ceilings of st. stephens.
I don't want to die here.
Anecdote #33
Lance armstrong,
picks up the kids from school.
Then logs on to twitter and posts about it.
Lance!
picks up the kids from school.
Then logs on to twitter and posts about it.
Lance!
Anecdote #32
William signs up for a twitter account.
Then realises he has nothing to say.
The account remains inactive.
Then realises he has nothing to say.
The account remains inactive.
Anecdote #31
David Lynch,
comments on the weather in los angeles,
and then starts writing a film that makes no sense.
comments on the weather in los angeles,
and then starts writing a film that makes no sense.
Anecdote #30
Dear Diary,
today i almost met the girl of my dreams.
her hair; golden.
her eyes; the colour of the south pacific.
her breasts; lucious and full.
her buttocks; firm.
her face; just no.
today i almost met the girl of my dreams.
her hair; golden.
her eyes; the colour of the south pacific.
her breasts; lucious and full.
her buttocks; firm.
her face; just no.
Anecdote #29
Her body, once healthy and clean, now broken and filthy.
She screams, blood and mucous spray from her gaping maw.
I try not to panic.
But it's hard,
when you're performing an exorcism for the first time.
She screams, blood and mucous spray from her gaping maw.
I try not to panic.
But it's hard,
when you're performing an exorcism for the first time.
Anecdote #28
5 of us, trapped in a small room.
4 cameras, covering each wall.
3 bins - one for vomit, one for excrement, and one for blood/flesh.
2 hours left.
1 hell of a night!
4 cameras, covering each wall.
3 bins - one for vomit, one for excrement, and one for blood/flesh.
2 hours left.
1 hell of a night!
Anecdote #27
No food in the cupboards.
Nor in my stomach.
No money in my wallet.
Nor in my pocket.
Egad! I need a job.
Nor in my stomach.
No money in my wallet.
Nor in my pocket.
Egad! I need a job.
Anecdote #26
I'm in the pub.
Mark says, "last night I just chillaxed & listened to the latest donk tunes."
I take a sip of my pint.
"What are donk tunes?" I ask, nervous.
Mark doesn't hear me.
in future, I'll just keep my mouth shut then.
Mark says, "last night I just chillaxed & listened to the latest donk tunes."
I take a sip of my pint.
"What are donk tunes?" I ask, nervous.
Mark doesn't hear me.
in future, I'll just keep my mouth shut then.
Anecdote #25
Ben chills out with a few stellas.
He watches the footie on the tele.
That afternoon, down at the park, he commits murder.
From that moment on, his life changes dramatically.
No more stella, no more footie.
He watches the footie on the tele.
That afternoon, down at the park, he commits murder.
From that moment on, his life changes dramatically.
No more stella, no more footie.
Anecdote #24
Lord Longbottom looked out over his grounds and smiled.
He'd come a long way in his 76 years.
But had he really achieved anything?
That afternoon, he checked his bank balance online, which answered his question: yes.
He'd come a long way in his 76 years.
But had he really achieved anything?
That afternoon, he checked his bank balance online, which answered his question: yes.
Anecdote #22
Ed's fingers danced across the keys,
so sure of themselves.
They were indestructable.
He was a genius!
Of course, it wasn't long before the reality sunk in, and he realised he had no talent.
so sure of themselves.
They were indestructable.
He was a genius!
Of course, it wasn't long before the reality sunk in, and he realised he had no talent.
Anecdote #20
As i brushed my teeth,
I thought, "What's the point? they'll only get dirty again!"
And they did... they really did.
I thought, "What's the point? they'll only get dirty again!"
And they did... they really did.
Anecdote #19
I insulted him.
I beat him.
I burned his house down.
I stole his car, and destroyed it.
I fucked his wife.
I got him fired.
I think a part of him never truly forgave me.
I beat him.
I burned his house down.
I stole his car, and destroyed it.
I fucked his wife.
I got him fired.
I think a part of him never truly forgave me.
Anecdote #18
As the bullet destroyed Jed's brain,
his last thought was
"fuck."
Funny, he always assumed it would be something much more profound.
his last thought was
"fuck."
Funny, he always assumed it would be something much more profound.
Anecdote #17
Adam said he was having an 'Alien & Predator' marathon.
So I asked him what films he was watching.
"All Alien films, both Predator films, both Alien vs. Predator films"
The whole hog, then...
So I asked him what films he was watching.
"All Alien films, both Predator films, both Alien vs. Predator films"
The whole hog, then...
Anecdote #16
Ray Hanks; he doesn't like banks.
He doesn't like dollars, pounds, cents or francs.
But he doesn't mind the euro so much because it means he doesn't have to visit banks that often when he goes travelling in the eurozone.
He doesn't like dollars, pounds, cents or francs.
But he doesn't mind the euro so much because it means he doesn't have to visit banks that often when he goes travelling in the eurozone.
Anecdote #15
"You're wrong," Ed snarled.
"No, YOU'RE wrong," his elder brother replied.
"You're in the wrong."
"Fuck you, you're in the wrong."
This could go on for days, I thought.
"No, YOU'RE wrong," his elder brother replied.
"You're in the wrong."
"Fuck you, you're in the wrong."
This could go on for days, I thought.
Anecdote #13
Jake tried to talk to her on facebook.
But his internet connection kept failing.
Now it's working again,
but she's gone offline.
"Sod's law," he said through gritted teeth. "sod's law."
But his internet connection kept failing.
Now it's working again,
but she's gone offline.
"Sod's law," he said through gritted teeth. "sod's law."
Anecdotes #1 - #10
#1.
A can of strongbow.
Sitting empty on the side.
A reminder of the night before.
Why does my heart feel so bad?
#2.
"How's the website coming along?"
Mark asked, with a glint in his eye.
He knew full well I couldn't afford a website.
#3.
The girl looked me up and down, blonde.
I told her that I was unemployed
I've never seen a girl move so fast.
#4.
This girl who fancied me added me to facebook.
I glanced through her pictures.
With haste, I removed her from my friends list.
#5.
The ashtray, full of tab ends.
The coffee cup, stained brown and empty.
They didn't find Ed's corpse for three months.
#6.
I should have seen the signs.
Why didn't I see the signs?
Perhaps I was blinded by the fact she put out on the first
date.
#7.
Tom seemed to be doing well.
New house, new car, new girlfriend.
Shame we lost touch years ago.
#8.
'Excuse the mess', I told her.
She said she didn't mind.
I reckon she probably did.
#9.
I stepped up to the counter.
quickly, I ordered a cheap bottle of vodka and some cigs.
Something deep inside told me this was going to be another one of those nights.
It was.
#10.
"I'll see you on Saturday!" she says.
"Great!" I reply.
It's not great; I know full well I don't stand a chance
A can of strongbow.
Sitting empty on the side.
A reminder of the night before.
Why does my heart feel so bad?
#2.
"How's the website coming along?"
Mark asked, with a glint in his eye.
He knew full well I couldn't afford a website.
#3.
The girl looked me up and down, blonde.
I told her that I was unemployed
I've never seen a girl move so fast.
#4.
This girl who fancied me added me to facebook.
I glanced through her pictures.
With haste, I removed her from my friends list.
#5.
The ashtray, full of tab ends.
The coffee cup, stained brown and empty.
They didn't find Ed's corpse for three months.
#6.
I should have seen the signs.
Why didn't I see the signs?
Perhaps I was blinded by the fact she put out on the first
date.
#7.
Tom seemed to be doing well.
New house, new car, new girlfriend.
Shame we lost touch years ago.
#8.
'Excuse the mess', I told her.
She said she didn't mind.
I reckon she probably did.
#9.
I stepped up to the counter.
quickly, I ordered a cheap bottle of vodka and some cigs.
Something deep inside told me this was going to be another one of those nights.
It was.
#10.
"I'll see you on Saturday!" she says.
"Great!" I reply.
It's not great; I know full well I don't stand a chance
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